Inspired by Ted L. Nancy's, Letters From a Nut , we've taken to writing letters to major corporations. No one likes big corporations. They're involved in a game that we're not allowed to play, and that makes us mad. Big corporations control the world and kill presidents, and that makes us even madder. They steal our money and don't pay their employees very well. They're jerks. You can, however, if only for a moment, interrupt their corrupt wheelings and dealings by sending them a ridiculous letter. They'll read whatever nonsense you send them because they have to. And they'll respond! It's amazing!

This month Tania wrote the Washington DC National Zoo (not exactly a business, per se) because she's absolutely bonkers for their new, baby panda Tai Shan.

 

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Tania and I'm very interested in the new baby panda, Tai Shan, at the National Zoo in Washington DC . I am writing to see about taking a trip to the zoo and meeting the little guy up close and am wondering if you or your organization would be willing to fly me out so that I can meet your fuzzy little miracle. I watch the web cam that is provided by the zoo obsessively throughout the day. I like to keep it open in a window behind other things that I am working on and check back on it almost every ten minutes (I just looked at it right now. The lil' guy's hanging out in his food bowl!). It adds up to a lot of hours a week. About as much as a part-time job, I'm guessing, which isn't as comical as it should be considering the fact that I don't actually have a job and literally don't have a dollar to my name. I am considering writing a letter to Bono (I don't know if you know Bono, but he's the lead singer of my favorite band, U2, and he has been nominated for the Nobel peace prize twice. He's a pretty super guy.) to ask him to help me attain some debt relief like he did with those countries in Africa .

 

Anyways, I was wondering if it would be possible to go out to the National Zoo to meet little Tai Shan. You see, I have several classified phobias and mild OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), but they really haven't affected me as much since I've discovered the panda cam (I can't stop looking at him. He just fell right out of that darned bowl!). I still may, however, need professional help. While my other obsessions have moved to the back burner, this one has taken all of their places in my life and I am certainly no less fanatical about it (but if loving baby pandas is crazy then you can call me Michael Jackson. Haha!).

 

I've been to a few doctors, for my head and for my body, and nothing good ever comes of it. Besides, I can't even afford one until Bono sorts some stuff out for me. I think the only immediate cure to my condition would be to actually see a panda in real life. Well, more than just see one, because I fear that that would do nothing but emphasize my passion (And there's no sense in doing that. Am I right, or am I right?). I think touching one would be the best way to cure my mania (Tai Shan got back in that bowl and is now munching on some bamboo leaves. And I'm the crazy one? Yeah, sure!). I really believe that hugs are the best medicine and a hug from him would be the best hug of all.

 

This is more than just an attempt to get you to fly me out to Washington DC and let me touch a panda, however. I don't have a job, remember? I figure a baby panda is a heck of a lot of work and I could probably help you guys out a bunch. I watched my friend's Boston terrier puppy for a couple of hours recently and that little guy was a handful! Even though they're both cute and have similar black and white markings, I bet a baby panda is at least twice as much work as Clark (Clark is my friend's puppy. Funny name, huh?). I'm sure I can handle it though. I'm really good with animals of all sorts. Like my cat, Gary (my boyfriend named him, don't look at me), loves to eat sour cream. He'd eat it all day if he could. When he finishes licking it off of a spoon he runs around the house meowing and meowing with glee, but even so I have to tell him that he only gets one lick because that stuff's fattening and bad for kitties in large amounts (I did some research to find that out. you don't really have to have a zoology degree to know a thing or two about animals, ya know). I bet pandas don't even like sour cream though. Does it like ice cream? My cat likes ice cream too. I think it's kind of odd though because I like ice cream, but I don't like eating mice or scabs like Gary does.

 

So in conclusion, I'd like to ask you if you'd be willing to fly me out to Washington , DC so that i can hug a baby panda. And if there's a panda wrangler position available I'd really like to offer my services (There he goes again, falling right out of that bowl. He's not the most graceful little guy, eh?). It'd do me and little Tai Shan a world of good too, I bet. And it'd save me having to write a whole ‘nother letter to Bono (also a pretty weird name now that I'm thinking about funny names) too. I don't really have the time to write another letter right now anyways. I have to go find Gary 's cape and wash it before this evening's hockey games start.

 

Eagerly awaiting your response,

Tania Rockenfeller