Steve and his friend Taylor Ketchum enjoy going on Myspace and Friendster and whatever other gay ass message board/chat room sites they can find and just fuck with people. As you'd expect, there's some real fucking idiots out there. “ You can either help educate these virtual ignoramuses,” Taylor writes, “or you can be like us and have fun at their expense.” It's the future of the prank call. And they've compiled a book of their adventures in cyber space titled, Age, Sex, Location .

Steve generally enjoys pretending to be a hot shot Hollywood agent named William C. Houston. Here's his conversation with “Starchick” from chapter two in ASL .

 

Myspace.com was the obvious choice when searching for a platform of digital influence. With nine million members to date, and millions more on the way, the opportunities for unemployed actors, a.k.a. “starving artists,” appears to be limitless. Of course William C. Houston's profile fit right into the Myspace mold. For every person who just goes on Myspace to keep in contact with old friends, there are a dozen others who are there to promote their new album, brag about their new role as an extra, or to just be seen.

 

“Date: 11/26/2004 01:12 PM Subject: New Oppurtunities All men and women interested in acting work, please contact William C. Houston . As of today we are looking for ten men and ten women. Some applicants will be given parts as extras while others may be given speaking roles. The movie is entitled My Favorite Mistake. It is an independent movie, with an all-star cast and crew. All applicants will need to contact William by November 29th. The work will be for 5-7 days and you will be compensated very well for your efforts.”

 

Through this one tiny classified ad, William C. Houston was able to reach thousands upon thousands of desperate people looking to bask in the limelight. Once their inquiry letters had been submitted, they were instructed to Instant Messenger for a virtual audition. This unorthodox, state-of-the-art, method of auditioning took many of the participants off guard, but once these aspiring professionals received their first ass chewing, Hollywood style, they were willing to do anything.

 

 

 

 

Act One: Starchick

 

Female, 23, Los Angeles

Status: Single

Hometown: Cleveland Reprezent!!!!

Sign: Aquarius

Occupation: Dancer/Model/Actress….whatevas

Orientation: Straight

Dawn's Schools

Bowling Green University

School of Theatre Arts, 2002

Starchick143 : hello

Starchick143 : about the auditions

Starchick143 : how are they being held online?

Wallegorg : Yes. Please change your font so I can actually read what you are writing.

Starchick143 : is this better ?

Wallegorg : I can't read that either. Please change your font to times new roman and make it black or this interview will be over. Thank you.

Starchick143: What interview?

Wallegorg : That's better. The online interview. That is what you're here for. I have little time. Please let's speed this along. I have 4 others waiting behind you

Starchick143 :I was just asking, how can there be audtions held online?

Wallegorg: Here's how it goes.

Starchick143 : well then get to them

Wallegorg : We read script together.

Starchick143 : interview me later then.

Wallegorg : ohh ok, that's not going to work.

Starchick143: what is this movie about?

Wallegorg: Now or never babe...this is your change. The movie “Sin” is about a mother of 3 on a fishing trip with another man besides her husband. That woman is Kate Hudson

Wallegorg : Are you male or female?

Starchick143 : Female

Wallegorg: You can play Kate's busy body sister, Louise.

Starchick143 : Yes. Yes

Wallegorg: You are both on the boat and she is trying to convince Kate not to have an affair right there on the boat with her 3 children and the Skipper, Brad! We'll start the scene right now. You are Louise I am Kate. We are in the cabin of the boat away from everyone else. This is probably the most influencial scene in the movie

Starchick143 : I don't want to continue this interview

Wallegorg : You pull me aside and try to convince me not to taste the devils fruit.

Starchick143 : It doesn't make any sense to me

Wallegorg: ?

Starchick143 : I have to get going

Starchick143: We'll do this later Thanks

Wallegorg: No thank you.

Wallegorg : You obviously don't have “it”.

Starchick143 : Your WELCOME

Starchick143 : what do you mean “it”

Starchick143 : this seems like a phony interview

Wallegorg: Midwesterners. I can tell the moment I speak with you.

Starchick143: who interviews over AIM?

Wallegorg : This is what Warner Bros does too sweety.

Starchick143 : What is that supposed to mean?

Starchick143 : about me being a midwesterner?

Wallegorg: Funny. You guys get caught up in the whole “ Hollywood ” thing very quickly. This is a real interview. This is how it's done miss. It's funny, you guys wait for your chance and you don't even realize it when its here. You'll run into these interviews from now on. It's how it's done now.

Starchick143 : that's weird

Wallegorg : So is Carrot Top but he's doing fine. The only people who are afraid to do them are people from the midwest. They are so distorted.

Starchick143 : i thought intervieews were in an office

Wallegorg : LA and NY actors love them and flourish with them. Gotta get with the times, babe. Did you know TV is actually in color now too?

Starchick143 : Well i'm not from the Midwest

Wallegorg : I'd bet money you were.

Starchick143 : About how much?

Wallegorg : Well considering I've got more than most people, how ever much you want.

Wallegorg : You do have passion, I'll give you that.

Starchick143 : Thank you

Wallegorg : To bad you weren't able to focus it on script.

Starchick143 :I've just never been interviewed

Wallegorg :The best actors always miss their chance. That is the old saying here in our company.

Starchick143 : how do you know I'm the right age?

Wallegorg: I know nothing about you. I will learn as you read.

Starchick143: That's true...that's what my mom always says

Wallegorg: I can see wisdom skipped a generation.

Starchick143 : Well what am i suposed to read?

Starchick143 : so make up a script as i go?

Starchick143 :?

Wallegorg : You bounce off my lines.

Wallegorg : It gives me a chance to see your ability to improv.

Starchick143 :Ohh i get it! I've done this in my Theatre class

Wallegorg: Now you're getting it!

 

Starchick143 : YAY!

Starchick143 :ok can we start over?

 

Wallegorg : I knew I shouldn't give up on you!

Wallegorg : Let's begin this audition my little star. There are others waiting but you are the princess of the hour. Kate Hudson is going to be a little jealous if you're as good as my guts are telling me you are.

 

Starchick143 : Thanks for the compliment

 

Wallegorg: You are Louise. All you have to do is convince me not to cheat on my hubby with the skipper of the boat.

Wallegorg : Thanks for the attitude. We LOVE it! (Kate is actually reading over my shoulder now!)

 

Starchick143 : the skipper is Brad?

Starchick143 : haha

 

Wallegorg : You know that.

Starchick143 : Yea i was just asking, sorry

 

Wallegorg : Before we begin, may I ask you a question?

Starchick143 : Yea

 

Wallegorg : Was I correct about your birthplace? Be honest.

 

Starchick143 : hahaha Back to that, huh?

 

Wallegorg : Just for my own fancy. You guys are always the best.

 

Starchick143 : Yes.

 

Wallegorg : (smiles to himself)

Wallegorg : Ok Louise. Remember, you are trying to convince Kate to not cheat. Begin all your sentences with “Louse: “ Just like true hollywood script.

 

Starchick143 : So i'm Louise?

Starchick143 : Louse**

 

Wallegorg : yes. I'm Kate.

Wallegorg : You are trying to slap some sense into me.

 

Starchick143 : Why would i start the sentences with Louse if i am Louse?

 

Wallegorg : (Kate just walked away giving the computer screen a thumbs down. Don't worry though I make the decisions.)

 

Starchick143 : like Louse*lines** …like that?

 

Wallegorg : exactly

Starchick143 : ok i get it

 

Wallegorg : Begin in 3

Wallegorg : 2

Wallegorg : 1

Wallegorg : Action!!!

 

Louse : Kate Why are you doing this!?

 

Kate : Louise, I really like the old Skippy.

 

Louse : It's not Right!

 

Kate : He's got fish all over himself and it plumb turns me on.

 

Louse : your with You husband! You shouldn't be acting this foolish!

Louse : That's gross. what turns you on about this?

 

Kate : he's on land silly, and for now I'm a mermaid with a burning desire to be caught. Hook line and sphincter.

 

Louse : Well your no mermaid right now! And you'll never be one! don't act kiddish

 

Kate : His passion for the sea. My old man is just a boring businessman. Concerned only for numbers and money. That's boring, Louise.

 

Louse: It may be, but that's doesn't mean you can cheat on him!

 

Kate: Yes I am, look at my scales. (wrinkles up her leg skin)

 

Louse: I don't see scales, I see Flab

 

Kate: (Puts to abalone shells over her tatas) look I'm Ariel from The Llttle Mermaid

Kate : I've got to get him with boddddy language.

 

Louse : At least Ariel had some sense in her mind. She was a real mermaid. Unlike yourself.

 

Kate : oh Louise why are you getting' on my case?

Kate : Louise Ann! Don't make me hook you and feed you to the sharks!

 

Louse : I'm just telling you it's not right what your doing! You should be with your husband right now.

Louse : You wouldn't besides, your better off with a business man, than a man who fishes weed and plankton

 

Kate : TV dinners and Jeopardy. You can have that. I want sun-drenched days and stingrays.

Kate : speaking of weed. Got any Ganja?

 

Louse : I want what's best for you. And you can't live off fish your whole life

Louse : No, I'm not a pothead.

 

Kate : it's been 3 hours since my last bong rip and I'm gettin' moody.

 

Louse : Go get your skipper to hand you some, because I don't have any.

 

Kate : do you think he's a cop?

 

Louse : No, don't

Louse : Might be, that skipper

 

Kate : that would suck if he arrested me.

 

Louse : yes, you never know who people are these days

Kate : then I couldn't finish college and get my shit together.

 

Louse : exactly Louse: You'll want to finish college

 

Kate : 3 more credits and I'm done, Louise. Imagine that.

 

Louse : **thinks** I can see it know *now*

Louse : Let's get out of here

 

Kate : So have you been getting any cock lately?

 

Louse : No! You slut.

 

Kate : oh sorry, that's right. You're waiting for marriage.

Louse : Yes, and that's a good reason

 

Kate : I ain't no slut. I'm just comfortable.

 

Louse : I don't sleep with the whole town, sorry

 

Kate : Hey, if I don't cheat can we go to Disneyland ?

 

Louse : Maybe, if you don't cheat

 

Kate : Ok I won't.

Kate : will you buy my ticket?

 

Louse : Yes, only if you don't cheat

Louse : Let's get going.

 

Kate : (grabs crotch) Ouch! I'm starting to burn down there Louise!!

 

Louse : Period...

 

Kate : (smells hand) smells like tuna.

 

Louse : Stops getting cocks stuck in there

 

Kate : we have been fishing though.

 

Louse : Enough fishing.

 

Kate : hey that was a low blow.

 

Louse *snickers**

Louse : It was pretty funny

 

Kate : Lets get off this dingy and get a Big Mac or some shit.

 

Louse : Let's go!

Louse : it smells horrible over here

 

Kate : I gotta poop though first. This is going to be near impossible with all the waves.

Kate : I really do think it's my conch shell that smells so bad.

 

Louse : Well go on and shit

 

Kate : Do you ever get that white shit coming outta your squid?

 

Louse : No, sorry.

 

Kate : this feels weird. I want some curly fries! Let's go!

 

Louse : then let's go

 

Wallegorg : (ending scene in 3)

Wallegorg : (2)

Wallegorg : (1)

Wallegorg : reality!!!!

Wallegorg : Bravo! Bravo!

 

Starchick143 : How was that?!

Starchick143 : That was fun!

Starchick143 : I didn't think it would be that hard, but it was fun.

 

Wallegorg : You were great. Now what is your myspace profile so I can put that in my Star File?

 

Starchick143 : Let me get the link for you http://myspace.profiles

Starchick143 : there you go, that's me!

 

Wallegorg : How much can you bench press?

 

Starchick143 : I don't know?

 

Wallegorg : Great. I must go. Keep in touch.

 

Starchick143 : Bye Thank you!

 

Wallegorg : No...Thank You.

.