I Over the last couple years I've been keeping a Moleskine notebook in my back pocket and jotting down everything from phone numbers and grocery lists to quotes and stories in it. One feature in each leather-bound notebook, though, is the “band name” page. It's a place where I write down future band names. I'm going to start a band eventually. But I think the name should come first. I was in one in college called Snatch Ranch. Then we changed it to Stool. Those names suck. And ever since, I've been on a quest of sorts to come up with the perfect band name. Even though “Slayer” is already taken. Thus the list. And of course most every entry on the list sucks. Some of the ones that fail as band names, however, I've found work better as song titles or even pub names. I'm not sure what the first entry on this list was (because I have dozens of these Moleskines and the early ones aren't labeled), but I'd like to think that either “The Buck Toothed Nun,” or “Mouth Raping Nigger Babies” was the first. Both of which were very early ones and I still think are a couple of the finest I've come up with. Way better than Snatch Ranch. Although Snatch Ranch is so chantable. That's something you have to consider when choosing a band name, you know? Can they chant it? [Note: all names with a • after them indicate they're taken. You can have your way with anything else]. [Also note: all uses of the word “nigger” are meant to offend.]

 

From the book before the one labeled “Oct 29 2001.”

The Buck Toothed Nun

Ham Sale

Positronica •

Wheel House

Jeff Kent

Taco Fred

That Have Done

The Smell of the Fair

The Little Horde

Castles of Elephant Legs

The Legend of Mr. Drummond

HOV (Hot Ostrich Vagina)

Beserkovitz

The Mumbling Society

Con Agra Beef

Can't Outrun Water

Pony Lung

Eddie Haskell

 

From Moleskine labeled “Oct 29 2001.”

Roof Bunny

On a There For to From

Atlas Moth

The Forest Elf Cookbook

Oat Foot

The Bannisters

Mostly Older Women

BBQ Tooth

It's Best That You Don't

Cunt Cannon

All Power Snaky

Fleas? Adam Had ‘em

Slow Speeds Me Down

Storm Trooper on a Chocolate Scooter

Dude Lander

Butt Mustard

Holocaust Frown

The Crimson Tear

Gustave Hobblekins

General Nancy

Nigger Linda

Cletus Sounds like Jesco

Super Stew

Get the Stuff •

Et Gay the Uf Stay

Spoilage Fee

The Little Grey Weirdo

 

From Moleskine labeled, “Jan 18 2002.”

The Finer Side of Cussing

The Ignition Sisters •

Chez Hector

Celine Ding Dong

Caca in a Blanket

Then Bed

The Ari Fleischer Band

Doom Bin

The Elephant and the Wheel Barrow

Moon Rabbit

Fistful of Assholes

Lens Flare

Amma Zing

Wood Goblin

The Gentle Swastika

Vanity Project

Bacon Drapes

Golf Wife

Mrs. Woods

Helvetica •

Moon Calf

Beer Shit and Eagle Piss

Genius Pile

 

From Moleskine labeled, “Feb 2002.”

Da Vinci's Refrigerator

Pizza Snake

The Slashers

Hair Ship

 

From Moleskine labeled “Oct 2001.”

Crotch Muncher

The Pole Jockeys

Monkey Dick

I Just Farted

Scabby Donkey

The Julia Childs

Cannibals and Kings

Alcoholic Spock

Funky Metal Bullshit (FMBS)

Oliver Jinglebells

Sulphur Berries

Performance Audience Interplay

Jaime's Vest [pronounced himey ]

Domi

Dead Marsh

Tigers of Wrath

Wrath Child

Silverback 900

Moss (Grower)

Niggers and Camel Toes

Osama Bin Dancin'

Snot Fountain

Grief Contest

Two Day Old Meatball Sandwich

The Subject

Lumberjack Olympics

Pteradactyl Cowboy

Muscle Colored Cupcake Bed

Xsqueezeit

Gas Baby

Mouth Raping Nigger Babies

 

[book text ends here. Below are all new ones.]

 

 

From Moleskine labeled “Oct 2004.”

The Mermaid's Mess

Jazz Pianist

Little Fists

The Iron Buttock

Fart Charity

Like Russ Columbo

Various Eggs and Unexplained Bacon

The Black Donkey

Cougar after Cougar

Rape Whistle

The Runny One

Hog-legged Hog

Sex Jazz

Crap Cabin

Particular Fondness For Whimsy

Scotch Egg Fart

Knobby Krafters

Gary Has The Spins

The Rabbit and the Biscuit

Jack Mormon

The Lady with the Gold Jacket

Buttload of Shit Ton

Advanced Baby

No Eating in the Pool

Ask Yourself This

Gun Heaven

Bar Kid

The Pee of God

The Flaming Ribs of Targ

GUH

Anti-Aerodynamic

Punch a Wizard

Bulldozers on Clouds

Star Baby

Slaves and Buckets

Most Powerful Artificial Lamp (LAMP)

Poop Lamp

Wood Pussy

Tootle With Vigor

Tie Fighter

Nose Douche

Hod Boyo

Italian Beasts of Satan

Ex-Drummer of Styx

Baby Shower, The Pro Life Party

King of the Tinkers

Gypsy Bare Knuckle Boxing

Rat Blood Cross

Worm Egg

 

From Moleskine labeled, “March 20, 2005”

Mustard of Porpoise

Dirty Regginbogen

Hanging Coffins

Face Eating Pony

Air Boss

The Diving Venus

The Chardonnay Belly Gang

Visible Celery

Shrimp Waffle Popsicle

Scurvy Bums

Dart Bitch

Diarrhearthquake

Rumsfeld

Smoke Bomb

Butt Ladder

Bowditch

Cum Bucket Chin

Fifth Monarchy Men

Puzzy Fuzzles

Den Eychen Boom

Boiled Owl

If I Had To

Super Handsome

Normal

That's So Toga Party

Stop Teasing Tito

Multi-International Pre-Hispanic

Good Den

Yoda Butt

Global Diversity

Bozo Monkey Bear, The Third

Pig Cape

Halo Cost

Li'l Mechanical Robot Niggas

Michael Cycle

Prom King of Bummer High

As Usual There Was Nothing

Tito's Drawer

 

From Moleskine labeled “Late 2005-2006.”

Waydiohead

Professor Cheese

Baby Cocaine

Not Leanne

Mayonnaise Mountain

Hell Cobra

Giant Eagle

Steam Powered Urinal

The Hamster Worm

Fourier's Old

Pre-Lasorda Time

Shit and Go Blind

Almond Rilke

Poor Doug

Tuba Christmas

Angular Facial Hair

Knows Goblins

Drama Ramen

Dancing Larry

The Horse's Navel

Tuff Guise

The Internets

DYI [Do Yourself It]

Deep Fried Turkey Nuts

Unusually Large Vagina

Hard Style

Banana Fox

Kneeling Bus

Motor Pool

Bobo Fuentes' Circus

Punch Bowl Morning Zoo

NIMBY

Bottle of Wood

Ball Slammer

M33

Drunk Babies

Rape, etc.

Make Yourself Easy

Marijuana Related Double Murder

Dick Beard

Jingo Scuttlebutt

Fuck That Place

Up Up

 

Obnoxious Phil

Grandpa Switchblade

Uncle Grandma

Cracker Buckets

Flamingo Fucker

Bob Barker's $2800 Sciatica Operation

The Meowing Nuns